blog time na naman… alam nyo naman internet and blogging are my bestfriends… tagal ko na gusto ilabas ang sama ng loob ko.. i want to vent it out and feel light… time and money just uncooperative.. anyway, i have been quiet depressed… well, i guess depress is such a strong word but im not the usual me…

neweiz, im no longer living with my sister… im living with my friends.. i moved out.. the reason?.. i hate to tell, but i will tell it anyway is that “pinagpalit nya ako sa kaibigan nya”…

it hurts because she is or was my sister, and when her friend came everything has changed..

i never even really want to come with her..  nagaaway na kami ni mama dahil ayaw ko talaga.. i know d kami magkakasundo.. i finaly agreed with my mom but we had a pact that i can go back home if things wont work with us… but when i was living with my sister, i tried my best to be a good sister… i was almost like a robot.. i tried my best not to say no.. i agree to everything she say… though im not denying the fact that sometimes we will have some disagreement, but i always end up crying silently inside our room.. i know i have nowhere to run.. she is my sister and i dont want to leave her… i love her..

when kuya paul stayed with us, i didnt mind.. i dont like the idea of them livng together but i can do nothing… i dont want us to fight or argue… plus, she’s old enough and she know what she’s doing..

i was happy the time when i started to open up with her.  i wrote in her diary when i was heartbroken.. i feel like i have a real sister (not literaly)…

when jego came, in which she call her best friend… things started to change… i mean, at first i didnt mind… i cant still feel like i have a sister anyway… and i was happy for her, coz she is happy…

jego is a little loud and sometimes a little irritating.. and sometimes i feel like she is somebody who is too friendly that you can no longer trust her… but i didnt mind it… i could be wrong.. i dont want to be judgemental..

my sister buy her things.. treat her to some restaurants.. i didnt really mind though.. she’s her “bestfriend” and its her money… my sister treats her as a sister anyway…

one day, she made an issue, that gave my sister a great heartache.. chinachansingan daw xa ni kuya paul.. when my sister heard that she was freaking out.. got totally furious at kuya paul.. threw his things outside the apt.. actually i helped.. i got a little mad too for breaking my sisters heart.. i was just a “little” mad because there is a small part of me that didnt believe the whole story… i saw how, my sister insulted kuya paul.. i saw kuya paul cried.. i tried to stop my sister… i feel for kuya paul… i saw how sincere kuya paul was…

anyway, that happened… by the way, my sister was pregnant by that time…

there was a time after kuya paul left, that my sister had a fight… i was from work… my sister sent me a message to buy food because she havent eaten breakfast and lunch and her tummy was aching… nag.iba yung mood ko… i felt like my sister is being unresponsible knowing she is carrying a baby… why not ask her so called “bestfriend” for food.. in which by that time d pa nakitira sa bahay pero may sarili nang susi… neweiz, i still bought food… nung nasa bahay na ako, may kausap ako sa phone… i really hate being disturbed when im on the phone.. kinukulit ako ni ate, at nataasan ko xa ng boses which started everything… i know it was my fault.. but it was also her fault coz she was 29, pregant and still workaholic, d bumibisita sa doctor kahit may schedule at d kumakain.. it disappointed me… i felt like the baby will die…. and yeah, sad to say it died, two months in her tummy..

i feel for my sister… she was totally depressed.. she wanted paul back but paul just had enough and she lost her baby… kaya kahit nababaliwala na ako at c jego na lang ang kinakausap nya, naiintindihan ko pa rin.. dahil “bestfriend” nga daw nya… my sister went back home together with jego.. honestly, it broke me knowing that she will be going back to our province without even telling me about her plans.. and she took jego with her, instead of me.. she even paid for jego’s ticket… i wanted to go with her but she said she doesnt have money… BUT SHE PAID FOR JEGO”S TICKET!… that was still fine for me, because i want my sister to move on and jego was her only friend.. nagtytyaga c jego sa kanya… kaya cge go.. i wanted to go back to our place because i miss my parents preo wla akong pera., at d ako nilibre ng ate ko..

eto pa, nagyabang xa kay jego na bibilhan nya ako ng celphone.. credit card pero babayaran ko sa kanya ng monthly, which i agreed kasi sira ung phone ko.. but everytime i humbly ask her if puede na.. natataasan ako ng boses at para syang nagagalit dahil wla daw syang pera.. pero nung hiniwalayan nya bf nya.. nalaman ko na yung bagong phone ng bf nya sa kanya pala galing.. kaya pala defensive silang dalawa na katas ng ot daw ang phone na yun… pero d ako umimik nun… nasaktan ako dahil “whatever happened to the saying blood is thicker than water?”… but i chose not to mind… my sister was still broken and irritable xa that time..

anyway, i have been planning to move out nah, kasi masyado na ako nasasaktan… konting kilos ko lang nagagalit na xa… feeling ko she never really like me staying with her.. she only likes jego.. c jego kasi, lagi nasa bahay.. minsan naasar na ako kasi c ate na may ari, wlang susi c jego meron…

one time, jego sent me an sms asking me if its ok if she can live with us… i repied.. i dont want a roomate… at magkakaistorboha lang kami.. i used to ask my sister if nerie can stay with us, she said the apt is just for family.. and now she let her bf lived with us and then her “bestfriend”?…  i told her if she wants and since my sister would still choose her ako na lang aalis.. close kasi sila kesa samin.. nabaliwala ako…

kung kelan naging close na kami ng ate ko, umiksina naman tong si jego..  pero binaliwala ko.. i was thinking jego will help my sister move on..

jego said, d na lang daw xa titira sa bahay.. bibisita na lang din daw xa.. since ganun lang din naman… araw2 xa dun..

but eventualy, weeks after.. my sister talked to me and told me jego will be staying… wla ako magawa kundi mag.agree.. its her decision.. parang landlady ko na din kasi xa.. papalayasin ako ni ate kung magdidisagree ako..

one day, aalis na sana ako.. kasi d nah ako comfortable sa bahay… iba na environment… d ako pinapansin ng ate ko.. then one day jego told me that my sister said she doesnt like me.. im a hypocrite and all.. and that she only likes jego.. pero di nya sinabi sa akin yun in a way nah nagyabang xa.. parang kunyari nagshare2 lang kami kasi parehas kaming d matake ung attitude ni ate.. pero nasaktan ako dun.. i never imagine y sister will say that.. na mas gusto pa nya c “bestfriend”…  dapat naman kasi talaga lilipat na ako nun pa.. kaso naunahan ako sa bahay…

neweiz, ilang months din ako dun sa bahay na tahimik lang.. i dont talk unles pagkinakasusap… one time din kasi na nagreach out na ako sa ate ko d nya ako pinansin.. sa internet shop pa yun hah.. gusto ko umalis pero d ko magawa.. kasi nga she is my sister.. i dont want to leave her.. sabi kasi ni mama, blood is thicker than water.. sabi ko sa sarili ko titiisin ko na lang kasi ayoko mawalay kay ate in times na kailangan nya ako at iwanan xa ni jego..  minsan naiiyak na ako sa loob ng kwarto kasi lagi na lang ako naiinsulto.. na para bang i dont exist.. everytime i bring food in our house it would be for everybody.. but kung c ate ang nagdadala para sa kainalang dalawa lang.. wlang trabaho c jego pero mga kinakain nya sosyal pa sa kinakain ko..

she promised me to give me her laptop pag may laptop na xa from work.. but one itme i charged my ipod, profile na ni jego yung nasa laptop.. kakareformat lang din kasi nun.. kaya parang nawalan na din ako ng gana…

honestly i felt so left out..

fast forward >>>>>

one day, tulog ako from work… my sister woke me up in the middle of my deep sleep.. ilang araw kaya akong wlang tulog nun at first time ko sanang makatulog ng mahaba haba… she woke me up coz according to her i banged the door.. binagsakan ko daw ng pinto c jego.. ewan ko kung ano ano na lang kasi tinatanim ni jego sa isip ni ate… naasar ako.. lalo na wla pa kao ng tulog…

kinausap ako ni ate pero sabi nya wla din daw naresolve.. tinanong ako ni jego kung ano problema ko at ano gusto ko para mawala asar ko.. in a sarcastic way pa yun hah.. naasar ako.. nashock ako kasi parang hala ang kapal ng muka nya… nakikitira na nga lang xa, palamunin na nga lang xa at ganun pa xa magsalita.. kaya sinagot ko lang xa ng “lumayas ka..”

at instead na mahiya xa at kausapin ako ng mabuti at magsori dahil sinira nya relasyon namin ni ate, bah nagreact ng kung ano ano.. she provoked to me to fight with her.. i rose from bed and went to her face.. inaway ko xa.. sarap nya sapakin talaga.. pinalayas ko xa, pero kapal nya.. sinabi ko nga sa kanya na sinira nya relasyon ni ate at paul pati na din sa amin.. pero ang kapal talaga… ang tagal na ni ate at ni kuya paul at since birth kapatid ko na si ate… pero pinili nya pa din c jego.. grabe ang galing mambola ni jego.. napaiko tnya utak ni ate..

at infairness, ako ang lumayas sa bahay.. dahil ako ang nahiya.. alam ko kasi na mas pipiliin ni ate c jego kesa sa akin…

nagets nyo bah people in the world of blogging?.. ako ang nahiya at lumayas na kapatid.. pero ang palamunin andun pa din..

i was totally broken.. i no longer beleive in blood is thicker than water.. she chose her so called bestfried over me.. feeling ko nga jowa nya yun eh… iba kasi turingan nila sa totoong bestfriend..

later, bumalik ako para kunin ibang gamit ko.. bah siniraan na naman ako.. hinampashmpas ko daw xa ng poster sa muka.. nahulog lang yun papel eh.. now i regret kugn bat d ko pa xa sinampal.. sabi nga ng friend ko ang bait ko daw.. kasi kung xa ako, sinapak na nya yun… wla ng madaming salita… ako kasi nirespeto ko pa ate ko..

but now, kakalimutan ko na xa.. i regret having a sister like her.. she chose her friend over me and forgot about me kaya kakalimutan ko na din xa.. from now on i only have two siblings…

ps.

oo kinuha ko yung airbed wla kasi ako matutulogan.. pero ibabalik ko din yun..i promise to pay her everything..  isa pa sabi nya nun bili xa airbed para sa kin.. at ayaw din naman nya ng airbed so i might as well use it..  pero promise ko talaga ill pay her everything..

wla na din akong kapatid.. five na lang kami sa family..

and oh by the way real name ni jego is

IMELDA ROCHELE DIEGO, makapal muka , relationship wrecker

i wish, one of these days i would fall into a really deep sleep… where i could forget all my worries and heartaches.. dreams will be nothing but happiness and bliss… go to fairyland and enjoy its beuty… at least even just in my dreams i am happy..

yeah, i do a lot of stupid things.. make a lot of stupid decisions.. took risk and then failed.. then again never learn.. wow… that’s really stupid, isnt it?..

i feel like im so alone… alone in this cruel world… people just keeps breaking me.. and what’s ironic is i feel hopeless but im hoping.. someday i will be whole again…

i am hoping someday somebody could take me out of this world…

here i am again in my room all alone
summer sun is burning but i am feeling cold
there you are again, haunting my mind
i hope soon i will be ok, as i was told

loud music is playing but it is still silent
in the quietness you voice is breaking
i need something that could doze me off
in the corner of my room blankly i am staring

promises were made but was never realized
lies that you told had me flattered
you swore forever but everything just end
now i am left alone and shattered

i ahve accepted the fact that you are gone
but why is it that tears still keep on falling
i am still missing you, am i insane?
probably this is the result of bitter ending

i had lots of questions in my mind
but neither one of them was answered
things seemed to be perfectly fine
i was blind the day you were uncovered

there is no forever and things just change
here i am again, lost and feeling cold
my heart has been broken to peices
yet i know soon i will be ok as i was told

there you are again, bugging my mind

I just got this game from facebook.. i just feel like continuing the game here in fs.. or at least, i just want to add something in my blog.. lol

neweiz, maybe i could tag some people here in fs too… and hope these people wont be a little KJ.. lol

if i could tag people in FS then it would be Fergie, Mariam, Daddy Chitto, Mommy Lirah, Jenny, Naji, Genevie-an, Analuo V., Roxanne, Kitty, Cherylyn T, Ehking, and all the people who do friendster blog here… lol… sorry, i dont know a lot of my fs friends blogging here in friendster..

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Laddie tagged me and so did Cheng.. and i find it exciting… weeeeeeiiii…

so here is my part…

Rules:
Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

1. Im suffering from a mild insomnia. I find it hard to sleep (most of the time) that sometimes I would exhaust my self to get me to sleep, other times I take stresstabs (they say it lulls you to sleep because of the iron). Sometimes taking sleeping pill would cross my mind but I never tried it.

2. I am also suffering from mild astraphobia. Thunders and lightnings make my heart beats fast. It frightens me. I hate the heavy rain, especially when im alone in a room and I cant hear anything but the sound of the petter pattering of the rain in the rooftop. It will drive me nuts.

3. Im registered to a lot of social networking sites. You name it, I got it. Lol. Yet, I only update few. And I met lots of people and new friends and even celebrities because of it. Im also a forummer, but as of this time I seldom visit those forums because im busy.. lol

4. Im into writing. Writing is one of my instant picker upper. That is the reason why I got a lot of blogsites. My friends, back in college have been telling me to major in journalism but I didn’t.

5. And because I am into computer, I always get the technical position whenever we have group activities in college. I was the layout artist in journalism, I get to edit our recordings and arrange them in our broadcasting projects. I get to edit videos in our computer applications in DC class. And because im not afraid to explore PC applications and all, they come to me when they have problems. This is also the reason my friends suggested that I should major in Education Communication Technology.

6. I was in the middle of confusion then, and I ended up taking Community Broadcasting. But now, everytime I think of getting a job in the media I want to be behind the camera, in the technical room. Do the editing and stuff like that.. whew.

7. Most of the time, people think im snob and all but im not. They will realize that later. People in my first company think im the sweet-innocent-girly girl, but im not or at least sometimes. Lol. People in my current company think I’m the sweet-jolly-not-so-innocent-kind girl. Oh well, just don’t get into my nerves. A colleague realized that when I get back to customers that gets into my nerves. bwahahahaha.

yesterday, a friend asked me if it is possible that you’ll miss somebody but you dont wanna be with them… and i said

YES!…

yeah, i beleive it is possible… i feel that sometimes… i miss a person that i wish to see him, that we will be together.. but somehow im happy that we are not coz i know it will only break my heart more… i know i will only be happy or little while…

waaaahhhhhhh… it sucks i the feeling isnt mutual…

hahayzzzz… anong kadramahan na naman to?… toinkzz…

teka lang.. teka lang… magbblog muna ako.. ahihi..

ang saya nung outing nung 15… i never thought magkakaroon ng ganung outing yung heineken.. busy kasi eh tas iba2 na sched..
buti na lang nagkaroon din.. kahit din plantsado ung plano at kahit d kagandahan ang resort (hahahaha), masaya naman ang mga lokohan…

team heineken

kung kelan iba2 na team namin dun pa narealize magteam building.. waaaaahhhh..

at least before malipat kami sa AT&T, nagkaroon pa rin ng masayang outing…

SANA MAULIT MULI… kanta ata to ah.. hahahaha..

taga pindot ng numero haha

yeah, i got drunk.. pero natulog lang naman ako eh… toinkzzzz… but d ko alam at d ko maalala ginawa ko before ako matulog.. kala ko joke lang sabi nila na may sinasabi akotungkol sa uod…. eh sabi din kasi ni aicy eh.. totoo bah talaga un?… as in super.. im trying to remember pa..

neweiz, at&t na kami… ewan ko lang.. ang hirap at medyo boring ung lecture.. 2nd day pa lang naman ng COL training… dami kelangan imemorize… hay naku…

nakakamiz din pala c KOMBEA (protocall).. hahaha… nakakamis ang floor ng hrb… nakakamis ang tumakbotakbo dun.. at nakakamis mag aux ng kung ano2 lang.. hahaha..

sana kumpleto powerpuff sa AT&T para matalo naman namin c mojo jojo.. hahahaha…

powerpuff with mojo jojo

hoi! original Heineken, magparamdam pa rin kau hah?!.. weeeeeiiiii…

MISS YOU GUYS!

kaya nyo yan?... haha

oh well, i dont have anything to do again.. i might as well just update my blog…

neweiz, i have been planning on posting my new year’s resolution here but i keep forgetting it… but it has been in my phone…

so yeah, here is what i wrote or should i just say i input in my phone toplay safe.. lol

> save money (i want to go home to leyte.. i need my chinabank acount number so i can deposit some of my money there and let it stay there)

> focus on work - avoid OB, improve AHT, get good CSats..

> Stop being too emotional (and im getting there.. hahaha… im becoming the old me.. lol)

> start kicking ass ( well, just dont let anybody pull me down.. )

> Prioritize God - attend small group always, never miss ushering, attend other church activity

> get lots of rest

> be n shape

> start scrapbooking (i have been planning to start my scrapbook, but dont have time and i keep missing my materials)

> learn to play the gutiar

> read some good books

wow, this list isnt really just my new year’s resolution but also these are the things i am looking forward to this year…

watever.. lol

neweiz, my prayer for the year or not just for the year but for my entire life is

Create in me a clean heart o God,and renew a steadfast spirit within me… Psalms 51:10

wow… time does fly…

its 2009… and its like i havent even really noticed it…

its seems like it was just yesterday when i spent days with my college friends (mga best).. its like it was yesterday when i wore my toga and marched on stage to get my diploma… and now im totally in a different world…

well, 2008 was uhmmm… uhhmmm… uhmmm…

oh well, no words can describe 2008…

wait, let me go back to some of the highlights of MY 2008…

> i got the chance to present my thesis in the Phi Delta the Honor Society of Science Search for Outstanding thesis

> graduated as a BS in Development Communication major in Community Broadcasting

> lived in a totally different world

> found  a new church

> joined a small group

> got a church ministry

> got a job and met new friends…

> fell in love with the wrong guy and got broken…

> i was stupid

> lost d job and got another same job but in another company

> betrayed by friends

> i became a different person… became emotional

> learned a lot of things…

yeahh.. after the graduation, i welcomed my self to the real harsh world… and wow, i didnt imagine it could really be this HARSH!…

i wish 2009 would be good or maybe better…

neweiz, i really want to make a new year’s resolution and first thing will be i wont be that nice anymore so i wont be abused… now, i am missing the old me…

and oh, one thing i learned from my job?.. its survival of the fittest… people are hypocrites in their own way… people will use you for their own benefit…

so the sweet, lenient and kind me, will now be a bitch… waaaaaaaahhhhhh… this time, im gonna kick some ass… lol

oh, well, im still grateful of 2008… and i am now welcoming myself to 2009…

hoping this year will be different…

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!…

Merry Christmas all!… may the true spirit of Christmas fill your heart not just today but always…

oh well, i have been greeting everybody a merry christmas… i have been trying to be merry this christmas… waaaaahhh..

ive been trying to smile, laugh and all.. i shared chocolates with my teammates, greeting everybody ith all out smile tryng to hide what i really feel inside..

i feel like im cursed.. every christmas is not really that merry for me… its either, i have a problem, a fight with my sibling, im alone, bored or heartbroken…

i dont know, but this christmas is just so boring… this is actually the first december that i never been to a party.. and this is the first christmas that i am away from home… i am with my sister actually but we didnt really celebrated christmas.. we just slept and didnt had a noche buena…

yesterday or shall i say yesternight, my friend and i had to walk home from galeria… he hates the long queue to ride a jeepney… he has been asking sory and asking me if its ok with me to just walk.. told him, its ok it doesnt matter and i dont mind besides i want to be exhausted so i can sleep… im insomniac and i hate it…

i was laughing with the silly and corny joke we had but the truth is i am bleeding inside… i dont know why… i just feel alone.. plus i felt like crying.. i dont know, i guess it was because i heard another sad love story again… i dont know why that i feel like i am the one who is hurt everytime i hear sad love story… i wasnt like this before.. waaaaahhhhhh…

also, i felt sad because i know that my christmas will just be boring… i miss my parents.. i miss home.. i miss everybody…

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this morning i was txting with a friend, my officemate who just had dengue.. she told me that, she will be back by january but she will be in another acount… she shared about her slight amnesia.. well, its not really amnesia but her brain got affected when she was ill that there are certain part of her life that she forget… i wish i was the one with that problem and not her.. she told me it is difficult but i want that… i want to forget certain part of my past… i want to be someone new.. waaaaahhh…

i wish i would finally completely accept the fact that those will forever be part of my life….

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we went to megamall today.. but before that, i had a small fight with my sis… i just hate being diturbed if i am talking with somebody on the phone..

neweiz, we watched Iskul Bukol (official entry of the MMFF).. its funny, really… and there was lots of people watching… but yet, i wasnt enjoying it that much… i dont know why… i am bored to death that even Tito, Vic and Joey cant take away my boredom..

upon going home, i told my sis that i will be staying in galeria first coz i will still have to look for something for our exchange gift.. actually i just dont wanna go home yet, i will be bored to death again… waaaahhh.. and i hate it, everytime i dont have anything to do, all i can do is buy something… stroll around and if i have the money buy something… waaaaaahhh.. i hate it its eating up my savings.. huhuhuh….

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anybody out there who can save me from this insanity?!…